If we were having coffee – I Am Capable (October)

If we were having coffee, we’d probably be in one of those hipster places cropping up everywhere. I’m in the mood for some fancy, overpriced latte and adult conversation.

Did I tell you about attending a friend’s wedding reception some weeks ago? No? Well, it was lovely but that’s not the point. We were sharing a table with some acquaintances I haven’t seen in a while and so naturally the conversation steered towards our expatriation in Japan. One of the guys turned to me with a big smile and said, “So, what’s it like not working anymore? What do you do all day?”

My mind chose that moment to be sucked down a black hole. I looked between Anne on my left, making Playdough mess princesses and Tresa on my lap, eating spaghetti bolognese with her fingers.

“Uhm, this and that,” I shrugged.

clutter

Is it just me or do you also feel like you’re still trying to find your way in life? When I finished high school, I thought I’d have my shit figured out by the time I graduated university. I landed a high-paying (for a fresh grad) corporate job and assumed I was set for life. Well, a decade has gone by since then with lots of loops and dead ends but the most important thing I’ve figured out is this: I am capable.

There will always be those ugly voices in my head saying You’re useless. It’s too difficult. Give up. Who’d ever want you? Life sucks. They’re not as loud as they used to be, though. Besides, when I fall for that load of crap, the Mr and my loved ones graciously give me a most loving kick in the butt. It’s no wonder the Bible says the tongue has the power of life and death. When am I going to learn to be as careful over the words I say to myself as I do to others?

On to more interesting and probably surprising news, I’m going back to school! Next week infact. Other than being in full swing mommy-mode the last two months in KL, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and pestered my circle of strong ladies for advice. External circumstances and my heart were nudging me towards studying again though I resisted at first because… it’s just madness. I don’t even have the time to watch TV, where am I going to find time to study? Plus, I’m highly skeptical about my brain’s ability to absorb even a morsel more of information.

Ouch! <Rubs bum> Thanks. 

That was all that self doubt again. I. Am. Capable. Repeat every five seconds.

I have no idea how it’s going to go but I’ll tell you more about the whats/whys/hows soon.

Wish me luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  11 comments for “If we were having coffee – I Am Capable (October)

  1. October 2, 2016 at 12:47 am

    The tongue does so much stuff as if it were just out there without control..and yes it does have the power of life and death. Good luck to you on your new school adventure.

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    • marilynwrites
      October 4, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      You’re so right… Probably a lot of things would be different in everyone’s lives if people just kept their mouth shut 😀 Thank u for the well wishes!

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  2. October 2, 2016 at 4:09 am

    Good luck at school!

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  3. October 2, 2016 at 10:24 am

    Back to school? That’s wonderful. You will make it work, that’s what Moms do. A bit of adjusting and things will fall nicely into a new pattern. Good for you! Can’t wait to hear about it.

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    • marilynwrites
      October 4, 2016 at 3:05 pm

      Thank u for that confidence booster! You’re right.. That’s what we do 😀

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  4. October 2, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    Hi Marilyn,
    Great to catch up over another Weekend Coffee Share. As I read through your post, it was like looking at myself and re-visiting a lengthy discussion I had with my Pastor this morning when, yet again, I was reminded that I’m putting negative thoughts in other people’s heads about me and selling myself short instead of just being. We had some Fijian football players come to Church today and they sang afterwards and it was the most incredible thing. I felt the joy in their faces and they were so expressive. They can teach me a thing or two about letting go!!
    I also know what you mean about not knowing where your place is and where your road is heading. I had quite a powerful experience in my parents’ garden this week when I was photographing a bare tree. I was struck by the fork in its trunk which went up and the turned left like a turn off from the freeway. These two roads were clear and reminded me of Robert Frost’s poem: “The Road Not Taken”. Higher up in the tree, there was a multitude of sticks in a chaotic jumble without so much as a maze to find your way through. That reminded me of my chaotic mind at times and seeing this so graphically portrayed, told me I didn’t want that. That I need clarity.
    It is really difficult for many women to navigate their way through corporate life, parenthood and how this all fits together…if it fits at all. My writing and photography are constants which keep me going through all my ups and downs. I haven’t been able to work for health reasons for the last two years but I put my energy into the blog etc and that’s given me an identity, a community and a vocation. Just because you get paid to do a job, doesn’t make it superior and my efforts inferior…no matter what some might believe.
    Take a deep breath. Hold your head high and know that it takes great courage to step out beyond the 9 to 5 and you are riding the wave!
    Good luck with your course but if it isn’t what you wanted to be, you’re also free to walk away.
    Love & Blessings,
    Rowena

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    • marilynwrites
      October 2, 2016 at 6:39 pm

      Hello Rowena!
      It’s so lovely to hear from you again. I read your message at least 3 times and everytime I did, something new spoke to me. Thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement. It’s heartening to realize that all us are in this crazy journey of trying to balance everything. You are so right when you say it’s okay to walk away if it doesn’t work out. How freeing to know that 😀 Thank u again and I’ll be sure to drop by your blog for a coffee date soon.

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  5. October 4, 2016 at 7:50 am

    Hi. Thanks for stopping by my blog recently. My middle name is Marilyn after my Godmother & my hubby traveled to Malaysia in June for work (from the U.S). Congrats for going back to school. I’m a stay at home Mom with fibromyalgia & chronic fatigue. So I don’t work anymore, just Mom/housewife cleaning, cooking type stuff.
    http://therantingsofadramaqueensmum.blogspot.com

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    • marilynwrites
      October 10, 2016 at 7:26 am

      Hey, how nice that we have those few things in common. I’m sorry to hear about your ailments, mom/housewife stuff is exhausting enough without external factors adding to it. But seems to me you’re making some damn good lemonades from the lemons you’ve been handed 🙂 Looking forward to reading more posts on your blog!

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  6. Sho segran
    October 8, 2016 at 10:27 pm

    This resonates with me 🙂 thanks for the reminder – “WE ARE CAPABLE”.
    Awesome news on going back to school! Looking forward to reading more about it 🙂

    xoxo
    Sho

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    • marilynwrites
      October 9, 2016 at 9:17 am

      Hello Sho! Thank u dear. I’m always amazed at your creativity on insta.. Keep ’em coming! You are most definitely capable too😉
      xoxo

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